Hello again, yes I have been really lazy and pretty much forgot all about my web blog. I started to write random thoughts and idea's on a pad of paper when it reminded me of this. So here I am again,sitting infront of this computer putting a piece of my mind of the digital screen.
Sometimes there is just so much to say. Too much really, you have all these thoughts and ideas all jumbled in your head, waiting for an outlet... but there isn't any real way to express them. Sure you can describe them, but the raw emotion that you feel can't be described, even by the most creative, imaginative writers. Be that as it may, sometimes just jotting them down, might be the only outlet you have. I feel that way right now. I have all this bottled up emotion but really no outlet for it. I want to scream and shout but nothing comes out, not even a whisper. I want to say to the world, that *I* exsist and that *I* choose to be. That *I* can do what ever *I* feel like doing. It doesn't work like that though. You always have to worry about the "other" people, even though sometimes they don't worry about you... at all. I wish there was someone out there that understood what I'm trying to say. What my feelings are and what I'm trying to express. Alas, I've not yet anyone yet and until I do, I refuse to believe such an individual exsists.

Real music should be able to move you. To make you feel the emotion that the artist felt when making the song. To me this is true art. Not one of those "mainstream pop" groups but artists who make music not for the money, but because they truly enjoy what they are doing. Artists like Paul Oakenfield, Carl Cox, and Robert Miles to name a few, fit that category. Sure they tour, and are relatively the "big" names in the trance scene, but they haven't lost sight of what music is to them... their outlet to express what feelings they have inside. If not for them, I would have surely have gone mad by now.

I woke up this morning, and I realized something while lying in bed. I realized that I've done nothing with my life. I waste every day surfing the web, play addictive online games, and watching TV, while I should be studying for school, or atleast doing something creative. But every time I start on an assignment I feel the urge to do something else. I feel the need to do laundry, or maybe check my e-mail. Heck even house work if I can't think of anything else to do. I know what I'll do.. I'll write a blog about how unmotivated I feel about doing homework....

I think we all go through a phase in our lives where we're confused. We just don't know what to do anymore, where we want to go, what we want to be. It's hard because there are so many choices that we face everyday yet, we have almost very little choice in those choices. Complicated? Welcome to my world. Enjoy your stay. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I have been a cool dewd. I have been a l33t h@><0rs. I have been a nerd. I have been a jock. I have been a raver. I have been everything inbetween. But I have never really been myself. They are always mask. Shells to protect myself behind. People always expect us to be something or someone. Males to be Strong and healthy. To be good at sports, and know all about how to fix things. Women must be small and demure. They must be able to cook, clean, and do other house hold chores. Yes these are sterotypes, but nonetheless cause us to self reflect and self evaluate our self worth based on these sterotypes. In moder day society, we can't just "be". We have to "be something".

Sometimes we wonder where life will take us. For some of us, we have this all set out already. With goals and designs on how we want our life to look in the future. Others don't care and just go where ever the winds take them. Me? I take things one day at a time.